***Official Joke Thread***

Off-topic posts, quotes of the day and anything else you just would like to vent to the world. PG-13 or below PLEASE!
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ClutchFork
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by ClutchFork »

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.

Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
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A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!

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“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her room-mate. “Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce”. “Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?” “He was the original owner!”
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A blonde is walking down the street and stops a man to ask for the time. The man, looking at his watch, helpfully responds “Why, certainly! The time is now four o’clock”. The blonde scratches her head and says “You know, it’s really weird. I’ve been asking people that question all day long, and each time I get different answer!”

---------------------------------------------
His girlfriend’s father was interviewing Young Charles. “So” said that impressive personage “you want to be my so-in-law, do you?” “Not particularly” said Charles tactlessly “but if I want to marry your daughter I haven’t much choice, have I?”
Stick shiftin since '77
theholycow wrote:Why in the world would you even want to be as smooth as an automatic? Might as well just drive an automatic...
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Rope-Pusher »

I like the last one the best.
'08 Jeep Liberty 6-Speed MT - "Last of the Mohicans"
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

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Image
'08 Jeep Liberty 6-Speed MT - "Last of the Mohicans"
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ClutchFork
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

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Image
Stick shiftin since '77
theholycow wrote:Why in the world would you even want to be as smooth as an automatic? Might as well just drive an automatic...
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Rope-Pusher »

Image


....or safing my crack?
'08 Jeep Liberty 6-Speed MT - "Last of the Mohicans"
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ClutchFork
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

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Image
Stick shiftin since '77
theholycow wrote:Why in the world would you even want to be as smooth as an automatic? Might as well just drive an automatic...
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ClutchFork
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

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Image
Stick shiftin since '77
theholycow wrote:Why in the world would you even want to be as smooth as an automatic? Might as well just drive an automatic...
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ClutchFork
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

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Image
Stick shiftin since '77
theholycow wrote:Why in the world would you even want to be as smooth as an automatic? Might as well just drive an automatic...
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ClutchFork
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

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Image

Image
Stick shiftin since '77
theholycow wrote:Why in the world would you even want to be as smooth as an automatic? Might as well just drive an automatic...
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

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Image
Stick shiftin since '77
theholycow wrote:Why in the world would you even want to be as smooth as an automatic? Might as well just drive an automatic...
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

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A little stay-at-home humor:

Anyone else's car getting 3 weeks to the gallon at the moment?

After several days at home I have determined what I really need to do is start social distancing myself from my refrigerator.

Pigeons probably think we're extinct.

Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood. Those are your neighbors without makeup and hair extensions.

I'm so bored I went outside to knock on my own door; then came back in and said, "Who is it?"

Dear Parents, that's so weird that your child isn't doing what you ask them to do at home. They never do that at School.
Sincerely,
Teachers who tried to tell you

​After spending a solid two weeks with no one but myself I'm starting to narrow down the source of many of my problems and you're not going to believe this--

Pastors in 2010-- "Facebook is from the devil."
​Pastors in 2020-- "Follow our FB Live Services."

Still haven't decided where to go for Easter. . .the living room or the bedroom.

Becoming skinny this summer is cancelled. Pass me that cupcake. Hello, My 600 Pound Life.

​I wonder if I throw a roll of toilet paper out in the middle of the Walmart parking lot, if people will attack it like seagulls fighting over French fries.

After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house, but lacking the time. . .this week I discovered that wasn't the reason.
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theholycow wrote:Why in the world would you even want to be as smooth as an automatic? Might as well just drive an automatic...
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Rope-Pusher »

ClutchFork wrote: Wed Apr 08, 2020 12:54 am A little stay-at-home humor:
After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house, but lacking the time. . .this week I discovered that wasn't the reason.
Back in B.K. time (Before Kids), I was Joe Gardener. I brought coffee grounds home from the big urn at work to add to the garden soil, I planted my dog's turds under the shrubbery to enrich the soil, I went out to the mushroom farm and bought horse manure to enrich the soil,....

....then it was W.K. time and it seemed I had no time for that gardening.

...then, sooner than it seemed to be possible, it was A.K. time and .......I had no desire to be Joe Gardener again.

When you don't want to do something, having the time to do it isn't going to make you want to do it.
'08 Jeep Liberty 6-Speed MT - "Last of the Mohicans"
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

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Rope-Pusher wrote: Wed Apr 08, 2020 10:15 pm
ClutchFork wrote: Wed Apr 08, 2020 12:54 am A little stay-at-home humor:
After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house, but lacking the time. . .this week I discovered that wasn't the reason.
Back in B.K. time (Before Kids), I was Joe Gardener. I brought coffee grounds home from the big urn at work to add to the garden soil, I planted my dog's turds under the shrubbery to enrich the soil, I went out to the mushroom farm and bought horse manure to enrich the soil,....

....then it was W.K. time and it seemed I had no time for that gardening.

...then, sooner than it seemed to be possible, it was A.K. time and .......I had no desire to be Joe Gardener again.

When you don't want to do something, having the time to do it isn't going to make you want to do it.
Right, so why retire if your just going to be put on home improvement jobs you don't want to do. Someone once wrote a book titled, "Die Broke." I am doing it differently because when I die (actually even now to some extent), my house will be (is) a "fixer upper." So long as the roof doesn't leak, I am not too concerned about the rest. I moved in in 2001 and the house still has the same carpeting, blinds, curtains, etc that came with it. Used, but now much more used. I did have to put some concrete into the porch step to keep it from falling apart and some mortar below the bricks in one place to keep them from falling off the wall, but painting, new carpet, etc, naah!
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theholycow wrote:Why in the world would you even want to be as smooth as an automatic? Might as well just drive an automatic...
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Rope-Pusher »

...and now all that home-improvement stuff is non-essential so the stores aren't allowed to sell you the supplies to do it.

Call me Little Orphan Annie, but I just KNEW I was going to find ray of sunshine in all this Covid-19 stuff.

I wonder if Kelloggs Product 19 is flying off the shelves.....or possibly the only cereal left on the shelves!
'08 Jeep Liberty 6-Speed MT - "Last of the Mohicans"
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

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An Elephant Walks into a Bar.....

...as I was playing a sentimental tune on the piano.
The elephant stands there, staring at the piano, crying it's eyes out.
I asked "Do you recognize the tune?"
The Elephant replied "No, I recognize the keys"

[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1qQOGCyRbY[/youtube]
'08 Jeep Liberty 6-Speed MT - "Last of the Mohicans"
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