Torn jeans continued....

[AHTOXA]

So after my jeans got torn I got on a mission to find another comfy pair of jeans. Being quite an average male, the idea of shopping, shopping malls and acute sense of fashion evades me for the most part. All I know is that I need new pants.

I arrive to the mall full of teenagers, young moms (giggity) and all sorts of people who don't have anything better to do. Fighting the urge from committing a mass murder by shoving the group of local emo kids off the balcony I make my way past them and get to the store where I normally buy clothes. I don't care if they are a few bucks cheaper somewhere else around the mall. I don't care to walk around the mall either. Wham, bam, thank you, ma-am. Much like drunken sex, you see? Instant gratification.

Picked up a great pair of name brand jeans. Comfy, cool and cheap. No shit it's on sale. No one buys jeans 34x34. No, I'm not SpongeBob Squarepants... The only thing is the jeans' zipper isn't a zipper. It's a row of buttons. Whatever, I'll get used to it.

Later that weekend I went out to a bar with some friends. We're sitting around and few beers into it I head out for a smoke. After a few beers I become the walking, talking Hoover Dam. Seal goes and I'm flowing like the Amazon in the wet season. When I have to submit urine for screens or drug tests it's akin to a hooker refusing a free line of blow so go figure...

The pressure is building while I'm smoking outside. Remember those submarine movies when they dive too deep? The pipes start to creak, valves blow off, water coming in. Well, that's what I feel like but thankfully the pants are rather dry. If there was a fire nearby, I could single handedly...er...single headedly put the whole thing out. You want an ice rink? Coming right up! You don't mind that it's a bit yellow, do ya?

I flick the butt, and make my way inside. The hostess looks at me asking if I need a table. I mumble "Nnnnno" as I grab the crotch area in a desperate attempt to delay the inevitable and make my way to the bathroom. Salvation at last! Run to the stall, hand goes for the zipper...

Oh no!!! The buttons! The damned buttons! As I'm viciously clawing at the pants trying to get the buttons off I realize this is taking too long. I contemplate chewing the buttons off then realize if I do have an "accident" I'm highly prone to a self-applied golden shower. Not having been exposed to such demented, sick shit that even the most degenerate mind cannot accept as normal, I change my mind. In moment of desperation ripping at the pants it appears as if I'm either having a seizure in front of the stall or I'm heavily intoxicated trying to rigorously masturbate. In either case, probably not the best option.

Finally, the moment of relief. Relief in the intended destination rather than self urination. I live to fight another day.


I'm getting used to the whole button idea one trip at a time.

[noob5,000,000]

I had a similar experience in 7th grade... I didn't fare as well though.

[Evicatos]

I hate button flys with a passion. And also shopping for clothes....

[Leedeth]

Lol, button flies.

[.insane]

they make zippers for a reason

[Bawked]

zips ftw!

[pmacutay]

lol on my old button-fly'd jeans, you could pull them in such a way that they all came un-done in some sort of instant chain reaction.

Only catch is you had to undo your belt buckle to do so. It makes a funny noise too...kinda like velcro but bigger

[theholycow]

I remember seeing commercials for button fly jeans. They made them sound so cool, like I'd have to fight off the girls with a stick. Since I knew that wasn't going to happen even if I wore a suit made of $100 bills, I never bothered trying them.

[Warner]

I hate button fly jeans so much. I have a couple pairs of jeans with a button fly and I can't stand it. You can't just unzip and do your thing. You have to undo your belt and unbutton all the buttons, which is really awkward at a urinal in a public restroom.

[wannabe]

lol on my old button-fly'd jeans, you could pull them in such a way that they all came un-done in some sort of instant chain reaction.

same here. back when i was skinnier (aka didn't have hips)

[AHTOXA]

So your legs grew outa your belly before? Awesome.

[wannabe]

no...before they (my hips) became more prominent...

[wannabe]

see, i don't have that issue. no urinal only a closed stall door...

[pmacutay]

see, i don't have that issue. no urinal only a closed stall door...

don't get jealous cuz we can pee standing up

[noob5,000,000]

You're not a true master until you can sit in a stall and piss in a urinal at the same time.