***Official Joke Thread***

Off-topic posts, quotes of the day and anything else you just would like to vent to the world. PG-13 or below PLEASE!
Rope-Pusher
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 10620
Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2009 3:44 pm
Cars: '08 Jeep Liberty
Location: Greater Detroit Area

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Rope-Pusher » Fri May 06, 2011 11:13 pm

“Bartender, I'll have a Bin Laden”

“What's that?”

“Two shots and a splash of water.”
'08 Jeep Liberty 6-Speed MT - "Last of the Mohicans"

User avatar
Charles421
Senior Standardshifter
Posts: 123
Joined: Tue Apr 05, 2011 11:59 am
Cars: 2011 BMW 335i Coupe, 6MT
Location: Philly, PA

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Charles421 » Sat May 07, 2011 11:04 am

Rope-Pusher wrote:“Bartender, I'll have a Bin Laden”

“What's that?”

“Two shots and a splash of water.”
I love it. :D

-------

I think this is a Rodney Dangerfield joke.

"So I met this great girl - reminds me of my mother. Same personality as my mother, cooks like my mother, talks like my mother - I brought her home, and my father doesn't like her!!!"
2011 BMW E92 335i: Le Mans Blue, M Sport, 6MT w/ CDV Mod, BMW Performance Exhaust + Style 269 19" Wheels

User avatar
watkins
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 15713
Joined: Sun Jul 01, 2007 12:42 am
Cars: 1999 Saab Viggen
Location: Salem, MA

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by watkins » Fri May 13, 2011 9:31 pm

Fishing Trip
A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath
some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and
lights it.

His grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarette?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says.

"No," says the little boy.

"Then you're not big enough."

A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his
cooler and opens it.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says.

"No," says the little boy.

"Then you're not old enough."

Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry
and he reaches into his lunch box, taakes out a bag of cookies and
eats one.

The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I
have one of your cookies?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy.

"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather.

"Then go f*ck yourself," says the boy, "These are my cookies!"
Image

User avatar
4onthefloor
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 1360
Joined: Fri Feb 15, 2008 10:21 pm
Cars: '17 WRX, '07 Impreza
Location: London, ON for now

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by 4onthefloor » Fri May 13, 2011 10:11 pm

^For some reason I saw that having a more incestuous/pedophelic ending.
Two pedals, two feet, too easy.

Car: 2007 Impreza 2.5i Special Edition
http://www.standardshift.com/forum/view ... 32&t=13230

User avatar
gizmo
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 1000
Joined: Sat Aug 02, 2008 1:22 am
Cars: tC

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by gizmo » Sun May 15, 2011 10:19 pm

I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check
out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

I could just hear Bill Engvall whisper in my ear "Here's your sign"

So on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was
starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd
ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every Time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls
and a car hit me.

Chris H.

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Chris H. » Tue Jul 05, 2011 9:38 pm

gizmo wrote:
I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check
out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

I could just hear Bill Engvall whisper in my ear "Here's your sign"

So on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was
starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd
ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every Time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls
and a car hit me.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


WIN!!!!!

User avatar
theholycow
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 16004
Joined: Tue Jun 24, 2008 1:36 pm
Cars: '80 Buick LeSabre 4.1 5MT
Location: Glocester, RI
Contact:

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by theholycow » Tue Aug 09, 2011 9:26 pm

A guy who had never had sex in his life and spent the majority of his time watching porn finally got lucky. While having sex he suddenly stopped for a couple of seconds and then resumed like normal..after a couple of seconds he again stopped and then started going at it again. This happened 5 or 6 times when The girl finally got pissed off and asked him: "Why the hell do you keep stopping over and over again"? The guy replies: "Its called buffering you noob"
1980 Buick LeSabre 4.1L 5MT

Put your car in your sig!

Learn to launch/FAQs/lugging/misused terms: meta-sig
watkins wrote:Humans have rear-biased AWD. Cows have 4WD

User avatar
Squint
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 3390
Joined: Thu Apr 21, 2011 12:44 pm
Location: KY

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Squint » Wed Aug 10, 2011 7:58 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

I saw this one coming after the first line. And I still laughed out loud.

EDIT: Pun intended? Not intentionally... oh well.
'15 Mazda 3 iSport Hatch 6MT
'11 Ford Fiesta Hatchback SE 5MT
'14 Giant Escape City 24MT
'97 Honda Civic EX 4AT - Retired @ 184,001 mi

For Pony!

Chris H.

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Chris H. » Wed Aug 10, 2011 1:04 pm

Blonde Joke alert.

If blondes and bimbos were the same thing, the prefix 'bim' could be used to create new words that describe them:

Bimbabble - noises coming from a group of blondes
Bimbaffled - constant mental state of blondes
Bimbait - short skirts, sheer blouses, string bikinis or other clothing worn by blondes in an attempt to attract the attention of males
Bimbar - a bar where blondes hang out wearing bimbait
Bimbag - a blonde's purse
Bimbrushes - essential equipment in a bimbag
Bimbastic surgeon - specialist in breast enhancements for blondes
Bimbeeper - special instrument used as a homing device for lost blondes
Bimbellow - sound emanating from a blonde after she finally got the most recent blonde joke she heard
Bimbillion? - a blonde giving an estimate of anything
Bimblaze - the result of a blonde trying to cook
Bimblues - a blonde's state of mind after her latest boyfriend ditched her
Bimboette - a young blonde
Bimbonese - language spoken by blondes, largely unintelligible to anyone else
Bimbonique behavior - airhead behavior, unique to blondes
Bimboozle - to fool a blonde
Bimbore - a blonde who uses "like" more than 10 times in a sentence
Bimbozo - another name for a blonde
Bimboron - a blonde even less intelligent than most other blondes
Bimbrownie - a well-tanned blonde
Bimbrunette - a blonde who dyes her hair brunette, usually to appear smarter than she actually is
Bimburden - blonde carrying too many bags at the mall
Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Rope-Pusher
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 10620
Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2009 3:44 pm
Cars: '08 Jeep Liberty
Location: Greater Detroit Area

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Rope-Pusher » Tue Aug 23, 2011 7:52 pm

Man walk up to house and rings doorbell.
"Excuse me Maam, but I think I just ran over your cat"
"My Kitty-Wampus?...are you sure?...what did it look like?"
"Image"
"Dear DOG no! I meant: What did it look like BEFORE you ran it over?"
"Image"
'08 Jeep Liberty 6-Speed MT - "Last of the Mohicans"

Rope-Pusher
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 10620
Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2009 3:44 pm
Cars: '08 Jeep Liberty
Location: Greater Detroit Area

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Rope-Pusher » Mon Sep 12, 2011 5:56 pm

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about five minutes and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi."

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus!
'08 Jeep Liberty 6-Speed MT - "Last of the Mohicans"

Rope-Pusher
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 10620
Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2009 3:44 pm
Cars: '08 Jeep Liberty
Location: Greater Detroit Area

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Rope-Pusher » Mon Sep 12, 2011 5:57 pm

Q: What do you get if you cross a Chrysler and a Fiat?

A: a BIG car that doesn't start.
'08 Jeep Liberty 6-Speed MT - "Last of the Mohicans"

Rope-Pusher
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 10620
Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2009 3:44 pm
Cars: '08 Jeep Liberty
Location: Greater Detroit Area

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Rope-Pusher » Mon Sep 12, 2011 5:57 pm

A college student drove his ratty, raggedy old car into the mechanic's shop, needing some repair advice for his jalopy.

The mechanic looked at it for a couple of minutes and said, "What you really need is the radiator cap solution."

"Oh," said the student, trying not to sound too confused, "Do you mean the radiator cap isn't holding enough pressure?"

"That's part of the problem," the mechanic said. "You need to lift the radiator cap and drive another car under it. Then you can replace the radiator cap, and it should solve your problem."
'08 Jeep Liberty 6-Speed MT - "Last of the Mohicans"

Rope-Pusher
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 10620
Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2009 3:44 pm
Cars: '08 Jeep Liberty
Location: Greater Detroit Area

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Rope-Pusher » Mon Sep 12, 2011 5:58 pm

I was on vacation in Florida on Christmas vacation. I was walking down the beach and I see one of my colleagues approaching me. He is a psychologist. "You had breakfast yet," I ask?

"No."

"Let's find a place."

"Good," he says. "My car is right over there."

I get in his car, a brand-new Lincoln, and right away I notice that it's a stick-shift.

I say, "You bought a new Lincoln with a stick shift? I didn't know that they made a Lincoln like that."

"They don't," he says. "I ordered it special."

"I'll bet that cost a fortune," I reply.

"Oh, ya. You got that right."

"Why would you buy a new Lincoln with a stick shift," I ask?

He says, "My wife can't drive a stick."
'08 Jeep Liberty 6-Speed MT - "Last of the Mohicans"

Rope-Pusher
Master Standardshifter
Posts: 10620
Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2009 3:44 pm
Cars: '08 Jeep Liberty
Location: Greater Detroit Area

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Rope-Pusher » Mon Sep 12, 2011 5:59 pm

One for THC:

A teenage boy tells his father, "Dad, there's trouble with the car, it has water in the carburetor." The father looks confused and says, "Water in the carburetor, that's ridiculous!" But the son insists. "I tell you, the car has water in the carburetor."

His father, starting to get a little nervous, says "You don't even know what a carburetor is.... but I will check it out. Where is the car?"

"In the pool," replies the son.
'08 Jeep Liberty 6-Speed MT - "Last of the Mohicans"

Post Reply