***Official Joke Thread***

[theholycow]

Ok, so the "Blew a seal" joke from before reminded me...

Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?
He was looking for a tight seal!

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!

From the first post:

When it comes time to have sex, she stops him, pops her eye out and says, "I always have sex in my eye socket."

Ocular Penetration Restriction Act of 2007
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ee8n-xvYETg

It's not a joke, per say, but it is funny.

[Leedeth]

Wait, what?

Why would somebody stick their penis into someone's eye. lol.

[RITmusic2k]

A guy walks into a diner and looks at the sign posted on the wall:

Cheese Sandwiches, $5
Hand Jobs, $10

An attractive waitress comes up to him and asks him for his order.

He asks her, "Are you the lady who gives the hand jobs?"

"Why, yes I am."

"Well, wash those hands and fix me up a cheese sandwich."

[comingbackdown]

What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
A hooker will stop f**k you when you're dead.

[Tinton]

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.

He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind" and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witchdoctor.

The witchdoctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

The witchdoctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witchdoctor "What happens when it's over?" The witchdoctor says "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123," and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"

[noob5,000,000]

^^

[theholycow]

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.

Sounds accurate.

[camera_man]

^^

Well done sir, well done...

[Tinton]

^^

Well done sir, well done...

+1

[94Corolla5Speed]

That picture could also apply to when you're...ahem, shifting your own stick, and a random thought pops into your head out of nowhere and it totally kills it... (noob5m, I need that shifty-eyed smiley )

[noob5,000,000]

That picture could also apply to when you're...ahem, shifting your own stick, and a random thought pops into your head out of nowhere and it totally kills it...

[theholycow]

Just stumbled across this one:

Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent. As i walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said, "good morning, boss, Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you! And me."

I said, "Thanks Jane, that's the nicest thing I’ve heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by my wife, kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "happy birthday".

And I just sat there...


On the couch...


Naked.

[AHTOXA]

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform.

Sounds accurate.

Sorry, friend.

[mtheis]

A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says "Hey Koala! What you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says: "Fuuuu - k dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the Nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said: "I know that it is said that Jesus turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'll go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."

[gizmo]

A young lady asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and to have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the young lady announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.



Well, the young man is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the young man for about an hour. He tells the young man everything there is to know about condoms and sex.



At the register, the pharmacist asks the young man how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The young man insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.



That night, the young man shows up at the young lady's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"




The young man goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the young lady's parents are seated. The young man quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.



A minute passes, and the young man is still deep in prayer, with his head down.



10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the young man.


Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."


The young man turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."