***Official Joke Thread***

[noob5,000,000]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.


The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.


The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9 inches high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.


The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful Piece by Mozart!


'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.


The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.


This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says : 'Here. Rub it.'


So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.


'I will grant you one wish.. Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!'


The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want A million bucks!'


A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.


Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they just keep coming, duck after duck after duck!


The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks.'


'No shit!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?'

[Canuck]

lol^

[wannabe]

here's my contributions:

Why did the farmer have elephants run all over his field?
He wanted to grow to mashed poatoes!

Five things to say if caught sleeping at your desk:
#5: 'They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.'

#4: 'This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time-management course you sent me to.'

#3: 'Whew!? Guess I left the top off the White-out. You probably got here just in time!'

#2: 'Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?'

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: (Raising your head slowly) '... in Jesus' name, Amen'

A little girl was at her first golf lesson when she asked an interesting question.
"Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?" she asked the instructor.

"P-U-T-T is correct," he replied.

"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. "I teach math there," I explained.
The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?"

I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero." He handed me back my license.

"Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in New York City.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes that there are germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"

"You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." said the dietitian.

The man lowered his head and responded, "Wedding cake?"

Two blonde girls in San Francisco are sitting outside on a park bench looking up at the beautiful full moon.
Blonde number one says "I wonder what's farther away, the moon or Florida."

Blonde number two says, "Helllllo, can you see Florida?"

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this," and she goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"

The blonde says "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!!

Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's personal bathroom, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.

"Just think," he said, "When I am president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!"

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill....

"I found out who took a leak in your Saxophone."

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Grandpa was mentoring his grandson on the secret of living a long and productive life: "Every morning, sprinkle a teaspoon of gunpowder on your oatmeal.”
Well, when grandpa died at the age of 97, he left six children, 33 grandchildren, 48 great-grandchildren... and a 25-foot hole where the crematory used to be.

[wannabe]

i guess this thread died...let me add more funny items to it...

A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The dentist looked inside and said, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replied, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything -- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything!"
"Well," said the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asked the patient.

"It's simple," replied the dentist. "Dental researchers have concluded that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

~~~

A group of chess-playing fanatics would gather each morning in the hotel lobby to brag about their greatest victories. It seemed that each player had only triumphs and awesome feats of skill to his credit. Came a day when the hotel manager barred the group from the lobby - because he couldn't stand to hear a bunch of chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

~

One of rock and roll's earliest - and greatest - rock performers was the incomparable Buddy Holly. Despite his bespectacled, nerdy appearance, the man really knew how to ignite an audience. In fact, the folks who attended Buddy's performances got so excited that many of his concerts ended with a riot. Just as soon as the fans saw that Buddy had performed the closing song, they would fly into a collective rage, smash chairs, storm the stage, and tear down the curtain. So no theater owner would hire Buddy because they feared that their patrons would wreck the halls, with bows of Holly.

~

Three circus midgets decided to change professions. They reviewed their options and decided to move to China and start a business together in that burgeoning economy. They bought a factory in Beijing and started manufacturing road-building materials to use to build highways for China's expanding transportation system. They shrewdly cornered the market on a black, sticky substance to cover the roads they were building. Thus, they became known as the three wee kings of Orient tar.

all courteious of richard lederer, at http://www.verbivore.com/archive.htm

[noob5,000,000]

What's brown and sticky? A Stick.

Guy walks into his doctors office with celery sticking out of his nose, broccoli in his ears, and a carrot on his head and frantically asks the doctor what is wrong with him. "Simple", the doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Polar bear walks into a bar. Bartender asks what he'll have, and the polar bear replies, "I'll have a vodka............................................. .......................on the rocks".
"Coming right up, but I gotta ask, whats with the big pause?"
Polar bear looks at his hands and says "Oh... I've always had these".

So there's these 2 muffins in an oven. One of them yells "God Damn, it's hot in here!" And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"

Nurse: Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him that I can't see him.

Real Estate Agent: Here's a house without any flaws.
Customer: Then what do you walk on?

Larry: I saw a man-eating shark at the aquarium.
Harry: That's nothing. I saw a man eating tuna in the restaurant.

[Leedeth]

^ What do you call those jokes, you think it's about one thing but it's a play on words and means another thing.

[pobrien]

a pun

[comingbackdown]

a pun

John Cleese:"You said this was Ipswich!"
Michael Palin:"It's a pun."
Cleese:"What?"
Palin:"No, no, it's not a pun. It's one of those things...that reads the same backwords as forwards."
Cleese:"A palindrome?"
Palin:"Yeah, that's it!"
Cleese:"That's not a palindrome. A palindrome of 'Bolton' would be 'Notlob'! It don't work!"
From "Monty Python's Flying Circus, The Dead Parrot Sketch"

[hockeystyx16]

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday.

His wife told him, "Tomorrow, there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in under 10 seconds."

The next morning, the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

[noob5,000,000]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a
hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels. The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't
return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

[noob5,000,000]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; a man, a woman and a redneck. For the final test, the FBI agents took the man to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The woman candidate was instructed to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. Then she came out with tears in her eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my husband.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your husband home.'

Finally, it was the redneck's turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the redneck, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' he said. 'I had to beat her to death with the chair.'

[comingbackdown]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; a man, a woman and a redneck. For the final test, the FBI agents took the man to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The woman candidate was instructed to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. Then she came out with tears in her eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my husband.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your husband home.'

Finally, it was the redneck's turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the redneck, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks' he said. 'I had to beat her to death with the chair.'

I heard that once in the form of a Dumb Blonde joke...

Speaking of which...

Q: How do you drive a dumb blonde crazy?
A: Place her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

A plane filled with cargo was going down, losing altitude fast. The pilot is desperately trying to get the plane to gain altitude. The pilot and co-pilot decide to lighten the load. They decide to throw out some cargo. So, they throw out a bowling ball.

The FAA tracks the ball, and finds a boy sitting on the ground in great pain. They ask him what happened. He says "This bowling ball fell out of the sky and hit me on the head."

The plane is still losing altitude, so the pilots decide to throw out something else. They throw out a dollhouse.
The FAA tracks it, and finds a girl sitting on the ground crying. They ask what happened. She says "This dollhouse fell out of the sky and hit me on the head."

The plane is still losing altitude, this time they throw out a bomb.

Worried, the FAA quickly finds the location it impacted at. They find a house in ruins, and a boy laughing so hard he can't speak. When they finally get him to understand their asking what happened, through his uncontrollable laughter he manages to say, "GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!"

</joke>

[blauenlanze]

Q: How do you drive a dumb blonde crazy?
A: Place her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

WTF man. That's been my location for like the past year on this forum.

[wannabe]

Q: How do you drive a dumb blonde crazy?
A: Place her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

WTF man. That's been my location for like the past year on this forum.

are you the dumb blonde?

[blauenlanze]

'Course not.