What do you call 2 women at your house late in the evening?

[AHTOXA]

An embarrassment, that's what.

So let me set the tone for this. I am a bachelor and I don't have a live-in g/f or a family member; well, not a human family member, at least. I live in my apartment with my dog. As a true bachelor, I clean mostly out of necessity and not as a preventative measure. As such, there's some layer of dust, the TV stand/table has dust writing that says "clean me, please", written by a girl that stayed over one or two weeks ago. There are two beer bottles on the coffee table from today's dinner, along with a dirty plate, which had pizza on it. Random sauces complete the picture, along with an Xbox controller and two remotes. The beige carpet is rather dark today, because the dog is shedding heavily, so I clean every 3-4 days. There are organized-to-me laundry piles in the corner of my bedroom. One of those piles is clean and the other is dirty. The clean one was just done and is on the floor to be put away shortly. My bed's a mess. My living room could use the mentioned dusting, my couch has cushions out of place and a random blanket half-strewn over it, under which I was napping this weekend. Kitchen has some detritus on the counter from the poor excuse for cooking I was doing over the weekend. My Christmas tree is pre-lit but not turned on at the moment and looks pretty sorry like that; it's also fake. There are dog toys everywhere, which require navigating around, because if you don't, you can stub your toe pretty good. Apparently soft rubber toys grip carpet very well - who knew?

As I was done with taking out the laundry and carefully arranging it in a pile on the floor, I stepped away, locked the front door and went to run the shower. To spare you any detailed descriptions, I left all my dirty clothes I was wearing right on the floor in front of the tub and stall as I stepped into the shower. As I'm standing under the hot shower, I hear my phone ring and then presumably go to VM. In no hurry to get it, I resume soapy shower activities.

Knock on my front door. The hell? I get out the shower, grab a towel, wrap it around and head for the front door. I briefly consider where my gun is as I don't get many unexpected visitors. As soon as I realize that the towel is a bit small to securely wrap on itself, I reconsider. There's no reason I should expose myself to whoever is on the other side of the door, unless it's an intruder. In that case, my only defense would be to drop the towel and let them claw their eyes out of disgust while I do the helicopter and pray there's no on-rush of cold air.

I run back into the bedroom, grab the first thing I see, which is a pair of jeans. I sort of had to fumble into the pants with wet legs not wanting to slide in, and while these aren't your sister's pants, I guess you can call them fashionably skinny without being skin-tight. Whatever, my fashion sense is often limited by availability.

When I looked into the peephole of the front door, I see my ex g/f out there on the landing. Sweet, an evening booty call! Her and I have maintained a mutually-beneficial relationship since we stopped dating around Fed of '13, so this wasn't exactly out of the ordinary. Do I have condoms? I'm sure I do. I probably shouldn't have even worn the darn pants!

I swing the door open, while wearing my most-charming grin and getting ideas in my head, only to realize that her mother is also standing lower on the landing, where I didn't see her earlier - I suppose they were turning to leave. Somewhere in the back of my mind, a small glimmer of hope remained and a weird thought involving a new-for-me level of sexual escapades entered my mind. I quickly pushed it back, as a boner now would probably arouse (pardon the pun) some suspicions.

GF: Hey! Mom and I were passing by and remember the gift I told you I got for Jack (my dog)?
Me: Yeah, sure.
GF: Well, I stopped by to drop it off
Me: (reluctanctly) Awesome, you guys come in!

So I'm standing inside my house with shower water still running down my upper torso as I've not put on a shirt. You can hear my shower still running in the background. It's a crammed space when you have 3 people and the dog right in front of the door. I open the dog's present, thank kindheartedly for it, open it and give to dog - it's a toy. He grabs it, snorts loudly and continuously from enjoyment, and carries it back and forth.

The mother asks me where the bathroom is and as I point the way, which is right through my bedroom. With some amusement I realize that my undies are laying on the floor right in front of the tub and stall. I mean, whatever... at this point, right? What's a few skid marks between you and your ex g/f's mom? Whatever, like she ain't seen shit before. Might as well poop in the sock drawer at her house next time I visit.

The awkwardness from them both was hilarious once she returned from the bathroom, and you could cut that with a knife if you stood there after all of this. I think the mom, specifically, couldn't wait to get out of there soon enough, and with warm hugs of goodbye (no, no hugs) they were gone as fast as they came. I went back into the shower and back to my soapy business.

So as I type this, all showered and with the laundry put away, hopefully this serves all as a lesson learned: bachelor men will live like bachelor men. It's like college, but with more and better quality furniture. Rest of the due cleaning will have to wait until Wednesday.

[potownrob]

[theholycow]

[Squint]

That. Was. Beautiful.

It wasn't until I was married and my wife and I both made a conscious decision to try and keep the place cleaner that we started picking up things and dusting more often. Though the odd piles of laundry still appear randomly - always one clean, one dirty.

[Rope-Pusher]

Isn't this the National Anthem of Texas?:

Oh give me a hoam
where the buffalo roam
where the deer and the antelope play
where seldom is hear
a discouraging word,
and the skies are not cloudy all day

[Shadow]

Knock on my front door.... I briefly consider where my gun is as I don't get many unexpected visitors.

I've never lived in Texas, but I couldn't help but think that I've never in my life considered that after hearing a knock on my front door.

Maybe you've completely assimilated to the gun culture in Texas.

[AHTOXA]

While it was mostly an over-exaggeration, I also never, ever have un-announced guests knocking on my door at 9:30 in the evening.

[potownrob]

better safe than sorry, right??

[Rope-Pusher]

better safe than sorry, right??

Sure, safe for you, but that's how drunk women get shot dead.

http://news.msn.com/crime-justice/man-w ... rder-trial

[daleadbull]

That was awesome, it was almost like a short story. lol

[wannabe]

That was awesome, it was almost like a short story. lol

Like most of tony's stories.


all very well told