***Official Joke Thread***

Off-topic posts, quotes of the day and anything else you just would like to vent to the world. PG-13 or below PLEASE!
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***Official Joke Thread***

Postby .insane » Fri Mar 28, 2008 4:59 pm

I've always wanted to make an "official" thread.

anyways heres some jokes for your amusement:

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table.

He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk
with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry", the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you", she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks.

They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.

She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her
place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!

"You know", he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every
guy you meet?"

"No", she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."


Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with 3-carat diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant."
"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good, and my husband is having an affair with his secretary.


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said,
"Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"


A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."


Glass eye joke revised:

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table.

He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk
with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry", the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you", she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theater followed by drinks.

They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.

She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her
place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

When it comes time to have sex, she stops him, pops her eye out and says, "I always have sex in my eye socket."

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!

"You know", he said, "you are the perfect woman. I travel this way quite often and I wonder if we could get togehter the next time I'm in town."

She nods and says," I'll keep an eye out for you."


A man wants to have his penis enlarged so he goes to a specialist who recommends a newprocedure of attaching an elephant trunk to the end of the penis.
The man goes for it and has ahumongous penis.
One day, while eating dinner at his girlfriends, his penis reaches up from under the table, grabs a bun and slides back down under the table.
The girlfriend is amazed. "That's incredible", she says, "Can you do it again?"
The man replies, "I'd love to, but I don't think my butt can handle another bun right now".


The TRUE Glass eye joke...


A guy is in a phonebox and he sees an ad for a woman offering bjs whilst singing the national anthem. The guy fancies some of this, makes the appointment and goes round. The woman tells him that he must be blindfolded during the event as she does not want him to know her secret. The man agrees and a couple of minutes later he is enjoying the best bj of his life and the woman is singing her heart out in perfect soprano.

Several minutes later and the guy is in near delirium, suddenly the phone rings and the woman stops to answer it. She comes back and explains that there is an emergency and she will have to go. She says that she will only be gone a little while so the man is welcome to wait or he can make another appointment. He decides to wait and hears the woman leave. As time goes by the man starts to wonder how the woman was doing it. He did not hear her start a CD and the sound was definitely coming from his nether regions.

Time goes by and the woman does not return. By now the man is getting cold and curiosity is starting to get the better of him. He decides to take the blindfold off and have a look around the room to see how this woman is able to give the best blowjob he has ever had and still manage to sing in the most heartbreakingly beautiful voice he has ever heard. So he takes off the blindfold.

One the table in front of him is a glass eye!


A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters & listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.


A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.


This is a strictly a mathematical viewpoint...

it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O
P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull**** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.


I rear ended a car this morning...
I knew it was going to be a REALLY bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said, "I am NOT happy".
I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"
That's when the fight started!!!


So I'm sitting in a bar, nothing special, just hanging out and enjoying a drink. In walks two gorgeous women and a man with a gigantic blue head. The girls can't keep their hands off Mr. Blue Head and a practically doing their best to dry-hump him while he walks to his seat. He sits down, looking very bored with the girls, throws them each a wad of $100 bills and tells them to grab some drinks.

I decide this might be my chance to talk to this strange character so I stroll over and say to Big Blue Head, "Those girls look like quite a handful." He responds, "Yeah, I wished I'd never wished for them." Wished for them? He sees my confusion and says, "Listen, you're probably wondering about my head too. Well I'll tell you a story if you want to hear it."

"I'm walking down the beach and something catches my eye. I walk towards it and there's a sparkle, so I dig in and find a magic lamp. So I do the magic lamp thing, rubbing it and all, and sure enough a genie pops out. Gives me his shpiel, 3 wishes and all."

"Yeah, so what was your first wish?" I ask

"All the money I could ever want. Poof, an ATM appears and I check my balance. If there's such a thing as a zillion dollars I have it."

"Alright, so what was your second wish?"

"I said, 'I want any woman I want to fall instantly head-over-heals in love with me. And it definitely worked. All I have to do is look at one and think 'I want that one' and they go wild. The problem is that I never asked for a way to reverse it, so here I am with these clingy bimbos. That backfired alright."

"What's your third wish"

"Oh, well for my third wish I asked for a gigantic blue head."


A man walks into a bar after a boring day at work. After his first beer a huge muscular man walks in with a tiny head. The bored man is stunned, speechless even, he has to know why that man has such a tiny head. After 4 beers to gain courage he finally walks over to the tiny-headed man. He opens his mouth to ask, but the tiny-headed man says "I'm guessing you're wondering about the size of my head." The man barely can muster a yes out of his mouth before the muscular man begins his tale. "I was a captain of a cargo ship a couple of years back. One day found ourselves in a mother of a storm, capsized and I seemed to be the only capable swimmer. I managed to swim for about 2 days before I reached a rock on top of which sat a beautiful woman, or so it seemed until I got closer. When I saw her up close I realized it was actually a mermaid. The mermaid told me that she could grant me one wish, anything I desired, and since I had been out at sea for quite some time and been lacking the company of a woman I was indeed quite horny as one could imagine. Then I realized with her being a mermaid regular sex wasn't quite an option, so the next best thing popped into my mind" the tiny-headed man said, "how about a little head."


On the subject of Genie jokes ... an oldie, but a goodie ...

A woman is walking down the beach. She's depressed, having just signed her divorce papers from her husband, who she found cheating on her with his secretary. She finds a magic lamp in the sand, rubs it, and out pops a genie.

The genie tells her, "I'll grant you three wishes, but there's a catch."
"What is it?"
"Whatever you wish for, your ex-husband gets ten times more."
"That doesn't seem right," she says.
"Those are the rules," the genie replies.

So the woman thinks for a bit, then says, "I want ten million dollars."
"Done," the genie says. "And now your ex- has $100 million."
"Okay, now I want a large house in an exclusive Malibu neighborhood."
"Done," the genie says. "And, of course, your husband has one ten times larger."

"No problem," says the woman.

"And for your final wish?" asks the genie.

The woman looks at the genie and says, "I'd like a mild heart attack."


There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer ( WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take either or both of the antidotes repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system .

You should IMMEDIATELY forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.


More jokes to come whenever I feel up to posting the rest, have like 10 pages of them.
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Leedeth » Fri Mar 28, 2008 5:04 pm

I have a bunch of stuff at my blog.

http://leedeth.wordpress.com/category/e-mail/

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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Nychold » Fri Mar 28, 2008 5:20 pm

A man walks into a bar near the top of a towering hotel in New York. He sits at the bar, and quietly orders a beer. Immediately after saying anything, the guy next to him starts spouting at him like a drunk. "Hey man. Hey...hey! Did-did you know that out this-hic-that window over there, there's a perfect updraft. hic. If you step out the window, it pulls you right back in!" The sober man brushes him off, and says "Sir, that's complete bulls****." "No no it ain't. Watch!" And in a few seconds, the drunk leaps off the bar stool and jumps out the window. A few seconds later, the drunk is pulled right back in. "See!" he says. "I told you so!"

Intrigued, the sober man has to try it. Timidly he steps up to the window, and leaps out. He falls, and falls, and splats against the concrete. Car alarms go off, dogs start barking, and the durnk just grins and sits back down. The bartender walks over to him and says, "You're one mean drunk, Clark Kent."


A penguin is driving through Alabama when his car starts to smoke. He pulls into a gas station, and the mechanic tells him it'll be an hour to look at the car. So the penguin walks across the street to get some food. He orders a fish dinner, with a hot fudge sundae as desert. When he comes back, the mechanic looks up at him from under the hood of his car, and says "You blew a seal." The penguin blushes, wipes his mouth, and says "Oh no...it was only ice cream."
Watercolor: I'm a grade A bone sucker!
Me: :shock: :) :D :twisted:

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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby comingbackdown » Fri Mar 28, 2008 6:12 pm

An elderly man and woman are sitting at the breakfast table.
The woman says to the man "You know, 50 years ago, we used to eat breakfast naked at this very table." The man says "Why not relive those memories?" They decide to eat their breakfast naked.

The woman, feeling frisky says to the man "You know dear, my nipples are just as hot for you as they were 50 years ago." The man says "I'm not surprised. One is in your oatmeal and the other is in your coffee."
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Sypher » Fri Mar 28, 2008 6:37 pm

Three little ducks go into a Bar............

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"



"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby noob5,000,000 » Fri Mar 28, 2008 10:35 pm

One Wednesday, little Billy went to school. The teacher said, "For the next three days, I will be asking a trivia question, if anyone answers any of them correctly, they won't have to come to school on Monday.

The first question was, "How many grains of sand are on all the world's beaches?" No one knew, not even little Billy. Suddenly, a paper airplane flew across the room. "Okay," said the exasperated teacher, "who's the comedian with the paper airplane?" No one knew, not even little Billy.

On Thursday, the question was, "How many stars are there in the Milky Way?" No one knew, not even little Billy. Suddenly, a gigantic, phlegm soaked spit wad embedded itself on the blackboard behind the teacher. "Okay," exclaimed the frustrated teacher, "who's the comedian with the spit wad?" No one knew, not even little Billy.

On Friday, little Billy brought to school with him two, large, black bowling balls and hid them under his desk. At the precise moment before the teacher asked the day's trivia question, Billy rolled the two bowling balls down the aisle and they struck the wall behind the teacher with a massive jolt. "Okay," huffed the now infuriated teacher, "who's the comedian with the big black balls?" Little Billy answered quickly,

"Eddie Murphy, see you next Tuesday."
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby AHTOXA » Sun Mar 30, 2008 3:13 am

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?








A piece of ass that bring tears to your eyes.


Thank you, thank you! I will be here all week. You all are wonderful tonight!
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Nychold » Tue Apr 01, 2008 4:02 pm

Here's my favorite conversation from Leisure Suit Larry 7: Love For Sail

(Peggy is the on board ship's janitor/handy woman. She also has a wooden leg.)
Larry: So, Peggy. I guess I can see why they call you Peggy, Peggy. *giggle*
Peggy: Oh, can you now lame ass. It's because my mother named me Margaret, you c***sucker.
Larry: So how'd you lose your leg, Peggy?
Peggy: Freak f**king accident! I inadvertently mixed KZ Jelly with deodorant spray forming a powerful contact explosive.
Larry: Sexual lubricant? Deodorant spray? And you lost your leg??
Peggy: Well, let's just say I wasn't spraying me f***ing armpits!!
Watercolor: I'm a grade A bone sucker!
Me: :shock: :) :D :twisted:

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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Nychold » Tue Apr 15, 2008 4:00 pm

A man is driving through a rural part of the state when his car breaks down. The tow truck company says it can be out first thing in the morning, but the man needs a place to sleep. So, he wanders up to the only house for miles, and rings on the door bell. A old Chinese man opens the door, and the poor traveler begs him to stay the night. The Chinese man agrees, but tells him to stay away from his daughter, or face the three Chinese torture tests. The traveler figures "Yeah sure, she's probably not that hot," and agrees. When the Chinese man lets the traveler into his house, the traveler sees this absolute knock out, drop dead gorgeous supermodel. The three of them retire upstairs to bed, but the traveler can't stop thinking about the gorgeous daughter. Finally, the traveler gets out of bed. "To hell with the agreement," the traveler thinks, and in the middle of the night, sneaks into the daughter's room, and they proceed to have a night of hot sex.

In the morning, the man wakes up with a 30 pound rock on his chest. "Oh right," he thinks. "The Torture tests...whatever...this is nothing." The man gets up, walks over to the window rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, and throws the rock out. As he lets go, he notices a sign on the bottom of the rock: "Left nut tied to rock." The traveler looks down and, sure enough, a string is tied to his scrotum and the rock. "Oh sh**!" he exclaims, as he jumps out the window, figuring that a few bruises or broken bones is better than...that!!

As he leaps from the bedroom, he notices a sign on the ground beneath him:

"Right nut tied to bed post."
Watercolor: I'm a grade A bone sucker!
Me: :shock: :) :D :twisted:

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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Draklen » Wed Apr 16, 2008 6:37 pm

There are 3 guys checking out of a hotel.

The first 2 check out and walk out the front door.
The 3rd checks out and as soon a he takes a step out the front door he finds him self chained up to a wall next to the first 2 guys.

A genie pops out and says, "I will grant you each 1 wish but you will have to stay here forever. If I can't grant the wish I will release you."

"A billion dollars" say the first guy and the genie gives it to him.
"A sexy woman" says the second guy and the genie gives him one.

The last guy takes a few minutes then says, "Catch my fart and paint it green." Next thing he knows, he walking out of the hotel.

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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby comingbackdown » Fri Apr 18, 2008 2:00 am

Draklen wrote:
There are 3 guys checking out of a hotel.

The first 2 check out and walk out the front door.
The 3rd checks out and as soon a he takes a step out the front door he finds him self chained up to a wall next to the first 2 guys.

A genie pops out and says, "I will grant you each 1 wish but you will have to stay here forever. If I can't grant the wish I will release you."

"A billion dollars" say the first guy and the genie gives it to him.
"A sexy woman" says the second guy and the genie gives him one.

The last guy takes a few minutes then says, "Catch my fart and paint it green." Next thing he knows, he walking out of the hotel.


Freaky... got a "Hotel California" vibe goin' on there...
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby scionkid » Fri Apr 18, 2008 2:16 am

What's the difference between stress, tension, and panic

stress => your wife's pregnant

tension => your girlfriend's pregnant

panic => both of them are pregnant

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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby watkins » Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:56 pm

Men Superstore

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf courselined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband says, "Honey,be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows it'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife tees up and promptly shanks it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringes and says, "I told you to watch out for the houses!

Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost." They walk up and knock, and a voice says, "Come in."

When they open the door, they see glass all over the floor and a brokenbottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch says, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah," the husband says. "Sorry about that." "No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "OK, great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie says, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world,"she says. "Consider it done.""And what's your wish, Genie?" the husband asks.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey.

I guess it's OK with me if it's OK with you." So the genie takes the wife upstairs and ravishes her for two hours.Afterward, he rolls over, looks at the wife, and says,

"How old is yourhusband, anyway?" "35. Why?" "And he still believes in genies?"

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,

"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.
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noob5,000,000
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby noob5,000,000 » Wed Apr 23, 2008 11:25 pm

watkins wrote:
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf courselined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband says, "Honey,be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows it'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife tees up and promptly shanks it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringes and says, "I told you to watch out for the houses!

Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost." They walk up and knock, and a voice says, "Come in."

When they open the door, they see glass all over the floor and a brokenbottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch says, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah," the husband says. "Sorry about that." "No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "OK, great!" the husband says. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie says, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world,"she says. "Consider it done.""And what's your wish, Genie?" the husband asks.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looks at the wife and says, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey.

I guess it's OK with me if it's OK with you." So the genie takes the wife upstairs and ravishes her for two hours.Afterward, he rolls over, looks at the wife, and says,

"How old is yourhusband, anyway?" "35. Why?" "And he still believes in genies?"


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1986 Mazda RX-7 base - Project car, nearly driveable in n/a form, gathering parts for turbo swap

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Canuck
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Postby Canuck » Sat Apr 26, 2008 1:36 am

l0l, how'd you screw a genie?

Anyways heres another one i found pretty funny, enjoy.

Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot. The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot. The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to screw the cat."
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