***Official Joke Thread***

Off-topic posts, quotes of the day and anything else you just would like to vent to the world. PG-13 or below PLEASE!
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beowulf80
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by beowulf80 »

theholycow wrote:
1974Alfa5spd wrote:I thought that was BMWs?
It's also been Camaros.

I bet 100 years ago it was "Model T".

Hey!
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by watkins »

Two vampires walk into a bar. One orders a glass of blood, and the other orders a glass of boiling water. The bartender asks "why the water, aren't you a vampire?" The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says "I'm making tea!"
After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided
that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me..'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb an d put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'




At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
Three men were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The first man finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands ... clear up to his elbows ... He used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented: "I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to be clean."

The second man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented: "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The third man zipped up and as he was walking out the door, said: "I didn't go to college, but I know not to piss on my hands."
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Rope-Pusher »

Little girl: Daddy, what is leather made of?
Daddy: Hide.
Little girl: Why?
Daddy: Hide, hide! The cow's outside.
Little girl: But, Daddy, I'm not afraid of the cow!
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Rope-Pusher »

Costello: Do we have to milk that bunch of cows?
Abbott: That's not a bunch, that's a herd.
Costello: Heard of what?
Abbott: Herd of cows.
Costello: Of course I've heard of cows.
Abbott: No, not heard of cows, that's a cow herd.
Costello: What's a cow heard? I don't care what a cow's heard, I haven't said anything to be ashamed of.
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Rope-Pusher »

Abbot: All right, let's move off cows. I'm not in the mood.
Costello: You're not in what mood?
Abbot: A cow mood.
Costello: Who cares if a cow mooed?
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Chris H.

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Chris H. »

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door'
Two gents talking at a nursing home..........one says to the other:
"Just picked up my new hearing aid....had to wait 2 months to have it custom-made and 2 weeks for a special fitting......Cost over $3,000.00......but, boy, it's great! Worth every penny!"
Second gent says: "Great! What kind is it?"
First gent: "Oh...........'bout 12:30....!"
An old lady leaned over to her husband in church and whispered, "I just let out a silent fart..what should I do ?"...He whispered back, "Get new batteries for your hearing aid !!!"
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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gizmo
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by gizmo »

a man is on an interview. he's well spoken, well dress, slightly overqualified, but the interviewer is thrown off by the applicant because the applicant is constantly winking. the interviewer says to the applicant, "to be honest, because this is a sales position, i fear that your facial twitch will deter customers from buying our product." the applicant says, "i'm glad you mentioned that, i have a pill in my pocket that will make it go away," but when he reaches into his pocket a ton of condoms, in all shapes and sizes, fall on the floor. the interviewer, taken aback, replies, "this is a family organization and I fear what we've now seen reflects poorly on you." to which the applicant replies, "no, it's not what it seems, have you ever tried wakling into a drugstore and asking for a pack of aspirin while you're constantly winking?"
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1974Alfa5spd
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by 1974Alfa5spd »

gizmo wrote:
but when he reaches into his pocket a ton of condoms, in all shapes and sizes, fall on the floor.
:shock:
Wut.
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by 94Corolla5Speed »

HAVING A SQUARE PENIS IS NORMAL DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME! :cry: :oops:
Chris H.

Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Chris H. »

Lost In Translation

I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.
Today's word is................. Fluctuations


I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why
it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat
eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

The 4 wheel drive sport utility truck we know as a Montero was named "Pajero" for non-US markets, including Australia, where a large number of Argentineans & Uruguayans live -- "pajero" in Spanish means "masturbator".

Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

When Vicks first introduced its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is "f," which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."

When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only problem was that the characters used meant "Bite The Wax Tadpole." They later changed to a set of characters that mean "Happiness In The Mouth."

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is German for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa
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theholycow
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by theholycow »

1974Alfa5spd wrote:
gizmo wrote:
but when he reaches into his pocket a ton of condoms, in all shapes and sizes, fall on the floor.
:shock:
Wut.
They're not just a perfectly straight tube shape anymore...they've got 'em with increased diameter near the tip, spiral ribs, etc, for enhanced sensation.
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by ElectroGhandi »

Chris H. wrote: When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."
That one had me belly laughing for a good 30 seconds.
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Rope-Pusher »

ElectroGhandi wrote:
Chris H. wrote: When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."
That one had me belly laughing for a good 30 seconds.
I guess that means you don't have any Chinese ancestors to be afraid of seeing again.
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Rope-Pusher »

paul34 wrote:He bring great dishonor to his famiry
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Re: ***Official Joke Thread***

Post by Draklen »

From a Dealership Email wrote:Repairing a clunking noise problem

An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners. He took the car out for a test drive and made a right turn, then a left turn, each time hearing a loud clunk. Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note:

"Removed bowling ball from trunk."
Thought it was funny because I bowl.
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